Multi-Dating?
A question was recently posed to me: “Is it OK to date multiple people at the same time?”
It’s a loaded question. The best answer really boils down terminology and intent.
Remember a couple of definitions:
A “date” is a meeting or activity with a particular intent for a relational connection.
“Dating” refers to the overall process of having dates and carries with it a particular connotation depending on how deep or serious the connection has become.
In the general sense, I do not advise trying to actively build dating relationships with multiple people at the same time. The further you move into a dating connection with another person, the less appropriate it is to have multiple tracks. I believe wisdom dictates caution in such, and due consideration of others prescribes the same.
Why not multi-date? After all, doesn’t it give me the best opportunities for success? Doesn’t multi-dating help me evaluate and compare across a variety of options? Shouldn’t I test drive a few before I pick one?
Well, if you were picking out a new car, that would be a great process. But you’re not—you’re dealing with another living, breathing, thinking, feeling person.
Multi-dating…
Creates the potential for appearing (or being) disingenuous, deceptive, and manipulative
Reveals a potential degree of indecision, a hesitation of commitment, and a possible lack of personal ownership for actions taken.
Risks giving you the appearance of being a “player”
Creates a potential for greater misunderstanding and heartache as not everyone involved may be at the same place relative to emotional connection.
There is a particular concept referred to as “friendship dating” that says, “Hey, I’m just meeting people and having fun together. I’m not interested in a commitment. We’re keeping it a friend level and enjoying some activities together.” Theoretically, that sounds wonderful. Who doesn’t want a buddy? Guys watching the game together? Girls’ night out on the town? Fantastic. Same gender activities work well, but put opposite sexes together? It’s a different ball game.
The problem is that it’s next to impossible in a dating scenario to keep all those who are involved on the same emotional page. Every person you’re meeting with in a multi-dating situation also needs to be as equally unconnected as you without any immediate expectation of greater connectivity. If this is your mode, you’d better be very upfront, clear, and honest about your intent, and you should reflect carefully on your motives. The risk is clear.
There’s a very narrow window of time in which the so-called “friendship dating” might apply, but I wouldn’t even call it that. This is squarely in the realm of early social interactions when you don’t really have any established dating connections at all. First contacts. When trying to meet new people, it’s entirely possible—and even likely—you may have multiple new contacts. You may even find yourself with overlapping social interactions, group settings, and one-on-one introductory meetings.
However, that is not at all meant to imply that you should engage in an active strategy to develop multiple lines of dating relationships. Some people think of dating as having multiple options to choose from or as closing the deal with as many as possible. While some degree of parallel exists, dating is not the same thing as having multiple leads in the sales channel. It does not work as mass-sales sort of endgame. Having multiple contacts from which to enter into dating with someone specific is one thing; having multiple dating relationships is something else entirely. (I do say that you should not jump into a commitment of exclusivity too quickly, but that’s not the same thing as telling you to actively date multiple people.)
So, should you multi-date? First, ask yourself, “Why am I wanting to go out with multiple individuals?” Consider the spectrum of activity:
If your goal is to have multiple relationships simultaneously and independently—or you’re just out there to party, score, and have fun—the answer is a resounding “NO!” This is just being a player.
If your goal is to keep someone on the hook while you keep looking for someone better, the answer is emphatically, “NO!” This is also being disingenuous and uncaring to the person who’s already focused on you. Making no decision is worse than making the wrong decision.
If your goal is to get started on your journey by meeting new people and learning about yourself and others, the answer is, “Maybe”—with honesty, clarity, and openness.
Remember the words of Jesus: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Treat others with the same consideration you expect for yourself in your dating decisions. You don’t want to be played, so don’t play them.
(c)2021 Mark Jay Bradberry